I’d like to be my own brand.

Not unlike Paris Hilton or David Beckham.  Who are we kidding… I’d go straight for Oprah and have my own Disney-like multinational conglomorate if I could.

I don’t really want the money (although I wouldn’t complain about it).  I’d just like fact that morning shows were talking about me and that my name was coming up in everyday conversations and that there’d be parodies of me and my work everywhere I turned… and then the morning shows would ponder my reaction to the scathing satire and the whole cycle would start over again.  Unending.

It’d be fun.  And satisfying.

Yesterday afternoon, instead of teaching I was given the afternoon to make a DVD for a school initiative–that even our Trustee will see (oooooh).  I locked myself in a room for 5 hours (literally) and finished it.  [It felt like an inclass exam].  If you watched it you’d know I did it.  It’s “typical-Travis®.”

“Typical-Travis®” could describe my clothes… my [basically non-existant] gym routine… even my smile… my blog… my decor… everything.  All I’m missing is a publicist and a cause slightly more respected than Public Education and I’m in.

Since the missing links are so few and so within reach…. keep checking Sears and the Bay for my cologne which is bound to come out soon.  The buzz is that it will be super hyper ultra cool!

P.S.–Yesterday at Chapters TWO people thought I worked there and asked me questions… that doesn’t mean I’m too mainstream to have the je-ne-sais-quoi a brand requires, does it?

i can’t take credit for the term phasechange… that would go to allan.

and since i consider myself plugged into the universe in a fairly real and old-spirit-kind-of-way maybe i should know this… but does anyone still have the memo on phasechanges?  can they be requested?  must they be earned? are they just granted and given?  do i have to be ready… open… focused… or what?  are get-aways required or just helpful?

i’ve been through at least a few and now… and i can’t even remember if the memo is in paper or digital format or if i even got it. 

okay, enough with the outlook® analogy.

i feel like cogs aren’t clicking. 

i feel like when i take chances i’m starting to wish i didn’t… which is unusal because some of the coolest and funkiest moments lately have come from taking chances.  there’s a drop of a gap that’s widening though and being recognized as scary more than ever [especially with relationships]. 

it’s part ‘this’… i’ve always [somewhat] known that my “right brain” doesn’t care for ordered logical sense… it would rather wander through messiness and explore.  when i’m most creative/engaged my life is the most in ‘piles’: car, desktop, desk, room… whatever.  and if we’ve met you know that.

lately my “left/structured” brain has taken over.  I’m more aware of staying planned-out and on-top-of-things.  that brain is also starting to get tired of having to organize after a moment of briliance, or craziness, or a ‘big adventure’.

substantial things have been happening but it’s like i’m in a time zone four seconds off or that i’m not understanding some of what those things could mean.  i want to fall hopelessly in love but i don’t.  i want to stick to one career and master it and i don’t.   i want to travel and i don’t.  i want to revisit things and i don’t.  so i bounce back and forth while waiting for a big bounce starward.

complaining at each ping (and wondering if a bigger bounce is coming).

Microsoft can get over itself.

Yesterday I had a computer that wasn’t wonderful or amazing.  I mean it’s at least a couple years old, which for technology is like living in the stone age.  It didn’t knock anyones socks off, but it was functional.

One pop-up later and… different story.

“INTERNET EXPLORER 7 IS READY TO INSTALL”

Weird.  I didn’t download it.  But it’s the Windows Update message… so it seems that Windows took it upon itself to stay current with the newest and coolest internet navigation tools.

To start off with it’s a lie.  It’s not ready to install… it’s ready to start the 75% which remains to be downloaded.  So I wait and wait and wait.

It does it’s thing and tells me it’s ready.  Second lie.  It can’t find my internet connection that both MSN and Mozilla CAN find.  It freezes my computer.  It tells me my “old” toolbars can no longer be used or transferred.  My computer is locked.  And I no longer have a browser with the plug-ins to do surfing with media.  The old functional explorer is gone and the new one is about as useful as… well nothing…. it’s a waste of computer space.

Adios Microsoft… I always stood by you.  Yet another product was released before it was ready.  Yet again, my life is now more difficult because of you.  My next machine will be a Mac.  It won’t have your PC-like equivelants either.  In fact, I’m going to start looking.

I like their ads right now anyways.  (not just because they’re all true.  You really have developed a monster like an overconfident old man that sneezes too much and is too comfortable with mediocrity.)

I’m developing a theory.

I develop it as a self-proclaimed optimist, mind you.

Call it Karma.  Call it a friend’s intuition.  Butterfly effect.  Call it whatever… but I’m starting to realize that whenever I really… like 100% really… and it happens every once so often… want to bitch about life and complain and throw my hands up in the air and crawl into hybernation and make sweeping generalizations about how indifferent the world can be… SCREAMING “WHY IS THE WORLD OUT TO GET ME?!??!!?”  “WHY DOES MY LIFE HAVE TO BE SO DIFFICULT!??!?!?!”

The universe calls.

Often literally with a phone call (or voicemail).  Sometimes an e-mail.  Text.  Chat.  Whatever.  Or something funny, stupid, or unexpected…  (or [see last post, re: a new aquaintence]…. cogs click…. a smile forms… the warmth in my earlobes subsides and that half-embarassed/half-oh-wow-these-endorphines-are-a-big-contrast-to-my-tantrum sensation takes root.  Clarity and Faith in mankind return, rolling their eyes.

If the theory’s true, I hope there isn’t a limit.  I get these calls once every few weeks.  If there’s a cap, the golden years are going to be tiring.

meeting someone new
is never bad; nerve-wracking,
but in a good way.

😀 

too closely to the world around me right now, it’s screaming “apathy is the best solution.”

The easiest,
the least defeating,
the most realistic solution.

I’m being unfair and I know that.  I also feel like if I don’t figure something out eventually I’m going to be swallowed by this apathetic monster.

However optimistic, the weight of what seems like the world is a heavy beast.  What seems like ‘the path’ I’ve chosen, or am choosing seems like a long (and even intense) one.

It’s also starting to feel a bit sparse.

I know that November is different from June in every single sense possible, but I’m listening to the world… the fates… the successful troopers.  Whomever.  Whatever. for a bit of direction these days.

Apathetic static is filling the airwaves… with me rambling to fill the void.

That’s the best way I can put what I’m feeling on this Wednesday six weeks before Winter Break.

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*deep breath in* and *sigh*

Report Cards are basically done.  I finally had the productive day I was banking on, when words came somewhat easily, and life for the day was slow enough that I could focus and think.  Motivation levels, as far as teaching, are right back at a prime.

*ahhh*

My roomie just got here with two huge, real Trees.  I now get to have an apartment with folliage.  Folliage is never bad.

*oxygen in*

Bought the new Josh Groban CD and sang it super loudly in my car the whole way home from the school.  I would have sang on the way there, too, but I’m not super-familiar with these songs yet.

*and exhale with the exersion*

Went to a movie with Jo.  Had supper and a Nellies-Lunch with my sister and her ‘man’.  Danced on Friday in public.  Danced part of Saturday Morning in the privacy of my home-alone-status-downstairs.  Therapeutic Excercise can’t be bad either.

I’m starting to think about Vancouver for New Years in terms of specifics.  That’s always nice.  Christmas is coming [and the goose is getting fat].  It’s exciting.

Seems like I’m back on top of my game, again.  Always nice to be back to ‘centre’ before the next ‘kink’.  Ah, the tidal waves of life.